one year on t
I don’t love to share my private medical information with people, but since I’ll be going into the medical field where people like me are underrepresented, I wanted to share my experience with those who might be considering taking hormones of any kind. of course, TALK TO A DOCTOR FIRST. ALWAYS. I cringe thinking about the self-experiments I’ve done in the past with supplements & medications & am very lucky I did not do more harm to myself.
Google is NOT a doctor & Substack is definitely NOT a place to go for medical advice. This is not medical advice, it is the OPPOSITE of medical advice.
with that disclaimer out of the way, here’s my story.
I had a lot of time in my body when things shut down (ew). in the quietness, I was able to identify more acutely the cyclical shifts in my hormones & mood. this presence of mind was aided by pharmacological interventions I had previously derided in my crunchier, granola days. the volume of the constant anxious buzzing being turned down a few notches brought me more into my skin & let me tell you — I didn’t love it.
as someone who needs to be moving to think & shake off some of that anxiety, I had heard about the mind-body connection in all sorts of spaces focused on fitness & mindfulness. the only time I ever felt synchronized with my mind & body was in the flow state of hula hooping. still, it was hard to find that motivation again when many days were spent doomscrolling for shreds of dopamine & adrenaline that made me anxiously alert but no more clear-thinking.
I’d gone through the hormone rigamarole before & identifying when I was out of balance became crucial to understanding my shifting moods & confidence. at best, I would feel tolerance towards my body — a kind of neutrality that was fine & much better than the usual state of dread. I’ve said it before, but it’s still somewhat true: I do not wish to be perceived. gender has always seemed useless to me for judging character, talent, ambition, or competency, but of course, it doesn’t matter what I think about it, I have no control over how I am perceived & the useless stereotypes that go along with that interpretation. I accepted this long ago, not without some ire.
but I wanted something more, as I always do. I wanted to feel more than neutral about my body if possible. I think body-neutrality in itself is a wonderful thing & the pressure to love the bodies we were given can sometimes backfire. you’re allowed to have feelings about your flesh cage. not all of these feelings will be positive, but of course, too much negativity is even more harmful. basically, I desired more agency over how I felt in the meat suit — more consistency so that I didn’t feel like I was losing half of every month to crazymaking. there is some interesting research on how symptoms of ADHD can be exacerbated by hormone fluctuations & whether it’s true for everyone who has the condition, it definitely rang true for me even though medication had made me much more present & stable.
very rarely had I experienced body euphoria. I’d read about the experiences of others who had transitioned & used hormones but was nervous about the side effects. at the same time, I knew I had to try something different because the unbearable terror of my body attacking me was getting worse. of course, stress played a large role in this throughout all of 2020 and 2021, but this problem long preceded the lockdowns.
the pandemic forced a lot of people out of the closet. it’s been incredible to watch some of my old friends realize new horizons of their Queerness. many celebrities have come out too & used their public image as a way to challenge the assumptions people make about Trans folks. the destabilization of, well, everything made people think differently about the lives they were living. I’m torn on whether some of the changes that have followed the disruption are for the best, but in general, I’ve observed a lot more people desiring to live more authentically in whatever way it suits them.
I say I’ve been Nonbinary since before birth, which is literally true. while I was in the womb, several attempts were made to discover my genitals so a sex could be assigned. I was a coy fetus & I figure it was none of their business anyway. so before I was born, I had two names — a “masculine” & a “feminine” one — because they simply did not know what to expect when I made an entrance into the world. I was called by both names while in utero.
as far as identifying publicly as Nonbinary, I came out in 2016, though I knew years before. I’d been going by a gender-neutral name since 2012. I’d been performing gender queerness since I was a child, but had been shamed back into the closet at times. I liked gender ambiguity because it forced people to think outside of stereotypes. of course, there’s only so much you can do when meeting people in person. but online, people treated me differently before they knew what my sex was & that felt more natural. the condescension people have towards non-males on the internet is grating & had been lifelong since my generation was the first to grow up with more of a constant online presence. I was used to it but had no respect for it.
I saw the increased ease with which other gender nonconforming people moved in their bodies as they transitioned. there was a calmness being exuded by them that was obvious to me when compared to older photos or interactions — that familiar awkwardness in the body & anxiety in public spaces melted away more over time. anxiety can be separate from gender, but for many Queer/GNC people, it is tied to how the public treats our bodies when having to be visible.
I love customization. to me, the default mode of anything is so obnoxiously boring. I’ve always been enticed to spice things up. when weird, boring people decry the death of the gender binary & worry their hateful little heads about a transhumanist future I think, “hell yeah I wanna be a Cyborg.” bodies are terrifying or at the very least, quite inconvenient. should people go without glasses because being nearsighted is their “natural” state? get outta here!
anyway, my “natural state” is less than ideal for my mental health, even with everything I’ve done to try to mitigate the monthly attacks. it was time to try something different, so I did. that makes it sound easier than it actually was because to get the same hormones cis men can get for their low self-esteem, someone like me had to go through several professionals who determine that I am exactly the correct amount of “mentally ill” to get treatment. I don’t believe in the concept that someone’s lack of affinity towards their assigned gender means they have a pathological condition, but that’s a long rant for another day. objectively, I’m the most stable & functional I’ve ever been. call it what you want, but it’s far from ill.
going through the process felt like a joke & at some parts I had to treat it as such, which amused the clinician evaluating me for “gender dysphoria”. thankfully, he was kind & understanding. I think he also thought this whole process was a bit unnecessary. being Nonbinary comes with its own interesting answers to the questions they ask you, which are along binary lines.
“If you could choose what type of body had, would it be the body you were born with or the opposite sex’s body?” honey, I already said I wanted to ascend to Cyborg, but I’ll play along. I don’t even want a body that resembles a human, but it’s best to keep that to yourself if you don’t want additional pathologies tacked on to your pre-existing non-pathology. I think if you collect too many, they start thinking about locking you up.
so I went through the process, got my tests done, & started on a low dose of Androgel. I wanted to scale up my dosage slowly as I do with all medications because I wanted to really listen to the intrinsic feedback my body was providing. I could always reduce the dosage or stop if it didn’t work out. but I knew that as soon as the gel touched my shoulder that I was making the right choice.
I slowly & cautiously began increasing my dose after each subsequent blood test. I was worried testosterone would have more negative side effects & it did in some ways. the bad: my skin went ballistic with cystic acne that I’d never had before, but at the same time I felt more confident despite this issue. my body odor got a bit stronger & I got hairier, which I was fine with because I stopped shaving consistently at around 16.
the side effects I was most worried about were the alleged increased aggression & potential hair loss. well let me tell you, I feel the least aggressive I’ve ever felt in my life. some of this is partially due to other methods I use to manage my anxiety, but I noticed a few months in that the wild mood swings that preceded o sangue have decreased in intensity. I was able to take back more of my time & that awkwardness in the body began to dissipate. my ability to maintain muscle tone has increased too which makes exercise much more bearable & rewarding.
I don’t look that different outwardly than before I started t, but internally I feel so much more at peace. I hope I can become more androgynous over time, not necessarily “masculine”. I know Nonbinary doesn’t have a “look” & Nonbinary people don’t owe anyone androgyny & yadda yadda yadda. but I want it.
I don’t feel like more of a “man” or “woman” — I feel like more of an MK. the MK that existed before other hormones permanently changed my body. for a few years now, this quote from Natalie Wynn/Contrapoints was my go-to for how to describe my internal relationship to gender:
getting on t has allowed me to inhabit a body that is mine; that feels more like home. it’s made me more at ease with presenting as more femme when the mood strikes me. I hope to soon have the creepiest John Waters mustache I can grow while also rocking stilettos. blending “masculine” & “feminine” aesthetics has always appealed to me & if I’m being honest, it’s a bit amusing to confuse folks. I mean, as long as I don’t get hatecrimed.
I have the privilege to live in a major city with gender-affirming healthcare & so many other self-obsessed weirdos that no one cares how you present anywhere you go because no one’s paying attention.
but my heart breaks for my Queer comrades in other parts of the country. it all is so unjust. I questioned whether or not to even share this experience because I’m aware of how trans healthcare is being attacked in many states & several other countries. there is an all-out war on trans & women’s healthcare, but there always has been — it’s just merely waned & waxed some. under this specific theocratic patriarchy, the rights of those not in power are always considered secondary, “debatable”, inconvenient, or in the newest (actually old) iteration: Dangerous.
“dangerous” to who? the same people who have always tried to control others because they lack self-control themselves. I don’t want affirmation, I want justice. I also want to be left alone so I can live a life that in no way harms anyone else. it’s abundantly clear that those who oppose the rights of people like me are so misinformed & brain rotted that we’re the ones in actual danger due to the onslaught of bigoted propaganda pumped out daily (& made more virulent through social media). these people can’t even conceptualize of an existence different from their own or even reckon with their own repression.
imagine if everyone were free from the shackles of their perceived gender & the unscientific, harmful forces of violently enforced gender norms. cis people can benefit greatly from hormone therapy — yes the very same that’s denied to trans people — but as more restrictions on hormone therapy are being put in place, their right to health-affirming medical care is also threatened. individuals need individualized healthcare & plenty of cis men & cis women would benefit from HRT as much as trans people. they already do in certain stages of their life & don’t have to jump through a bunch of hoops & classified as “mentally ill” just because they’re in menopause or andropause (or the myriad of other hormone conditions people can have that severely impact their mental state & personalities).
the idea that hormone treatment has to be in large doses to transition into a binary gender is ridiculous & misinformed too. I wish more cis women knew about how amazing it is to be able to regulate one’s cycle with a little bit of testosterone (if it is indicated for their condition) & cis men could use low doses of estrogen, etc. for their issues. I don’t love centering cis-gendered people in this discussion because ultimately they can get access to various hormones much more easily, but the gatekeeping of hormone treatment predicated upon binary gender classifications harms them as much & I don’t even think they realize it.
euphoria could be a few hormone shifts in one direction or another if people realized how much these life-saving therapies can positively impact mental & physical wellbeing. this is not to say going on t has solved all of my problems or that I am in a constant state of euphoria — as with everything YMMV. but it’s also not the nightmare I feared it could be or that unhinged lunatics like Graham Linehan want people to believe it is. take everything with a grain of salt & listen to the people who actually have experience being trans. not all viewpoints are equal or valid.
I sometimes think about if I had been able to get on t 10 years ago & how it could have changed my life, but I’m thankful that I started when I did. it seemed like just the right time.
our bodies are fantastic, disgusting, amazing, mystical sacks of electricity & fluids & bones & hormones. everyone should have the agency to tweak them how they see fit.
Happy Pride.