pater
My Pepe (maternal grandfather) passed away last night. The news was delivered by a woman I used to call mother.
This poem is not about him. It was initially written in 2017 but I dug it out of the archives. It takes me some time to access my feelings around these things because my immediate family situation has been fraught for my whole life. Something about it feels fitting to send out today.
In some ways, my Pepe could be seen as the genesis of the complexity on my maternal side of my family, but in most ways, it goes back much farther. Got more brewing I’m doing, but in the meantime, here’s something for those of us with Big Dad Feelings.
it’s not fair to see you
so frail
invaded
by fear
remember when you told me
to question everything
be open-minded
yet
skeptical
you were fearless
once
when you punched the cops
before you punched the clocks
but a cruelty took you
a boy now
in a body of
ruins
I know what you meant
when you told me
everything hurts
it does
& I’m sorry
that I have a hard time hearing
because everything hurts
never thought
I’d have to mother
my father
but I won’t beat you as you did
because I understand that
you don’t understand
maybe neither of us deserved
this
but deserving
is just
a promise of justice that will never arrive
some nights you would tell me
to Live Long & Prosper
but only half came true
perhaps for both of us
perhaps for neither
I wish I got the chance
to know you
after you were bitter
but before you became
a boy
I wish you got the chance
to know me
after I was angry
& after I became
a little
better